Christ, loves me???

In order to completely heal from my traumatic childhood, I need to pull back all of the layers. It is not easy to do, because I have wrapped all of my memories up into a nice little package called "Bullied in Junior High". I never hid the stories, just grabbed a couple that barely scratched the surface of my experience and that was that. No emotion, just matter of fact. No clue to the depths of my brokeness and that the pieces are still lying around some place inside. I always had God, and Jesus. But I never could completely comprehend the love of a Father who sent His Son to die on the cross. I believed it because I knew it was true, but for everyone else. There is a common saying among Christians that if you were the only one on earth, Christ would still die for you. I could say that with all of the emotion and belief if I was telling someone else about it, but turn it on me??? No way, it wasn't real to me. I almost envied new Christians and seeing the changes in their lives. How what was empty was now filled. My hole is still empty, and I have Christ! I love him deeply and I know that He loves me. But I think those empty spots just never got filled with Him. I'm still holding on, I'm still looking to Him. And I'm finally asking Him to remove the wall around my heart. That dang wall has been there for my whole life, and I never even realized it.

Then a couple of weeks ago at church, we were singing a song about Leading and Following. I can't even remember the song, but as I closed my eyes in worship, I saw the scene of me as a young child walking into that Junior High and going from the principle's office to my new classroom. Who knew that it was going to be like leading a lamb to the slaughter. However, as I closed my eyes again, I saw Jesus take my hand and lead me to the classroom. I'll be honest and tell you that the first thought that went through my mind was "Lord, are you nuts?" "Why did you take me there when you knew what was going to happen?" But He gently told me that He wasn't leading me there, He was walking with me. I broke down crying for the first time ever about the abuse I had in JH. Because He knew that the overall feeling that I have when I think back to those days, is loneliness, trusting no one. I realize now I wasn't alone. It doesn't change everything, but it did remove a "brick" from my wall. I literally felt lighter the next day. It gave me the courage to start after another brick. I don't know what I'm going to find on the other side of that wall, I pray that for the first time ever, I will find myself. My true self, not the one that I have allowed others to shape me into. Trying to please them . I still mourn the loss of my innocence, and regret choices that I made. But I'm not on this journey alone. He is with me.

Uncovering my voice

I will warn you now, that my words will not be eloquent. I am not a writer by nature, even though I long to express what is in my heart, I fail to find the right words to express it. So my thoughts, and memories get locked in my heart. Oh, I'll share with anyone who wants to know, but I have found that most people can't handle the story. And is there only one story? Everyone has a bully story, some kid who was mean to them in the playground. I have told myself many times over the years, just get OVER it! Seriously, how are you any different from those people? I am different because it changed me. Those 2.5 years of my life literally re-wrote my history and therefore re-wrote my future. I didn't know it at the time, nor could I even begin to understand the impact. It's not just the bullying, but its everything that happened in those formative years over a 5 year period, one devastating blow after another. No wonder I shut down, no wonder I contemplated suicide, the wonder is how in the world did I survive with the little bit of sanity I have left?

It all started in a Private Lutheran school in Illinois. A very small school, and I was there from 3rd grade until we moved in the middle of 6th grade. I was happy, not a good student. At the time we didn't know about ADHD, nor were drugs to help readily available. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 28 years old. I was happy at this school, I had friends, I was teased a little, but it was all innocent. Maybe I didn't think so at the time, but believe me, I never thought it could be worse. There was one boy who was a bully. More annoying than anything. He used to chase me around and was just a troublemaker. He disappeared from school, and it was a relief. My parents then bought their first house, so I was going to public school in January of 1990. I was excited about the new house, the new school, I was an adventurous kid. I was bored with what we had and ready to move onto something new. At 11 years old, how could I even begin to imagine what laid ahead. We only moved to the next town, some adventure huh? Yet, where I grew up was a safe neighborhood with small town values in a Big City. Moving took me out of that sheltered environment and I started seeing what the city was like. I guess the best way to describe it, is that I left my innocence in that old house.

My sister was pregnant with her first baby, and even though it was a rough start, I was excited about my new niece due in February. I already had an older niece, but we were so close in age, that it was a different feeling. With this niece, I was finally ready to be an Auntie.

On January 14, 1990 we moved into the new house, all I can remember of those days were unpacking, remodeling, and a lot of work. Needless to say I couldn't wait to start school because it was going to be a lot more fun than staying at home.

When I walked into my Junior High. I went to the principle's office and was taken by a teacher or a secretary to my home room class. It was a class just down the hall, and the butterflies were going in my stomach. All of the sudden I was sweaty and nervous and scared to walk into a brand new class and be the new kid in school, but most of all I was alone. Why they put a door at the front of the class I will never understand. Because as soon as that door opened, all eyes were on me. I don't remember anyone, except for one boy who caught my eye at first. It was the bully from my last school. I had never sworn before in my life, but in my head I was saying "Oh Shit, this is NOT good!" There was something in his eyes that showed me that he was saying the same thing. Unfortunately in my naivetee (sp) I had no clue of the rule of survival. The one that says get them before they get you. See, I am a Christian, I was a Christian, I played by the Church rules. It wasn't necessarily a relationship with Jesus at that time, but I knew what to do and what not to do. Doesn't it say in the Bible to love your enemies? Well, I don't think this boy had the same beliefs as me. I had seen moments of niceness from him in our earlier school. I had heard rumors of his parents going through a divorce. I didn't know why he had left the private school, as an adult I can look back and make some pretty good guesses. I'm also guessing that he was the new kid as well, it was just unfortunate for me that I was a little nicer and a little later. He will never be able to contemplate the path of horror that he set up for me starting that day. Even if I ever "confronted" him, I doubt he even realized what he did. He was just a hurt little boy who was looking out for himself.

It was that same day that he started spreading lies and rumors about me that he had "remembered" about me from the previous school, and I was the the fresh meat and the fresh kindling for the fire that errupted. I had no defense, and I quickly learned that the more you tried to deny it, the kids took it to mean that it really was true. I don't remember what he actually said, but I do remember that it became extremely difficult to make friends after that.