Christ, loves me???

In order to completely heal from my traumatic childhood, I need to pull back all of the layers. It is not easy to do, because I have wrapped all of my memories up into a nice little package called "Bullied in Junior High". I never hid the stories, just grabbed a couple that barely scratched the surface of my experience and that was that. No emotion, just matter of fact. No clue to the depths of my brokeness and that the pieces are still lying around some place inside. I always had God, and Jesus. But I never could completely comprehend the love of a Father who sent His Son to die on the cross. I believed it because I knew it was true, but for everyone else. There is a common saying among Christians that if you were the only one on earth, Christ would still die for you. I could say that with all of the emotion and belief if I was telling someone else about it, but turn it on me??? No way, it wasn't real to me. I almost envied new Christians and seeing the changes in their lives. How what was empty was now filled. My hole is still empty, and I have Christ! I love him deeply and I know that He loves me. But I think those empty spots just never got filled with Him. I'm still holding on, I'm still looking to Him. And I'm finally asking Him to remove the wall around my heart. That dang wall has been there for my whole life, and I never even realized it.

Then a couple of weeks ago at church, we were singing a song about Leading and Following. I can't even remember the song, but as I closed my eyes in worship, I saw the scene of me as a young child walking into that Junior High and going from the principle's office to my new classroom. Who knew that it was going to be like leading a lamb to the slaughter. However, as I closed my eyes again, I saw Jesus take my hand and lead me to the classroom. I'll be honest and tell you that the first thought that went through my mind was "Lord, are you nuts?" "Why did you take me there when you knew what was going to happen?" But He gently told me that He wasn't leading me there, He was walking with me. I broke down crying for the first time ever about the abuse I had in JH. Because He knew that the overall feeling that I have when I think back to those days, is loneliness, trusting no one. I realize now I wasn't alone. It doesn't change everything, but it did remove a "brick" from my wall. I literally felt lighter the next day. It gave me the courage to start after another brick. I don't know what I'm going to find on the other side of that wall, I pray that for the first time ever, I will find myself. My true self, not the one that I have allowed others to shape me into. Trying to please them . I still mourn the loss of my innocence, and regret choices that I made. But I'm not on this journey alone. He is with me.